The John Report: The Raw Deal for July 20/09 (Plus Night of Champions Preview)
The Raw Deal for July 20/09 (Plus Night of Champions Preview)
Welcome to the Raw Deal. I’ll start with the rundown of Raw this week like usual, and then I’ll do a quick preview of Night of Champions because I’ve decided to stop doing my PPV preview columns. I figure it’ll just be easier to do it this way every week and then if I find the time I can write something else towards the end of the week.
Live from Raleigh, North Carolina here’s the Raw Deal…
Talking with Cena, Hunter and Legacy
Here comes Cena the hype man to start us off. He’s fine in this role until he starts saying things like the match this Sunday is going to be the greatest ever. It’s nice to think that, but nobody at home believes it. Then Orton came out because the voices in his head told him to. They had a little debate. When Cena, then Orton, said that they wrestled two years ago at WrestleMania it had me scratching my head. I didn’t realize that a match from March 30, 2008 is two years ago. It’s 2009, last I checked, which would mean 2008 was one year ago. I’m assuming that since two people said that it was in the script. That’s just sloppy. Anyway, the predictable 3 on 1 beatdown was about to happen when HHH came out. There was some comedy, some of which missed pretty badly. It’s not that Cena or HHH lack a sense of humor. Both of them can be very funny. We’ve seen that from each guy many times over the years. It’s just that the writing is just awful for some of this stuff. In Cena’s case, sometimes he needs to tone it down a bit. I guess what I’m saying is I can understand why some people hate the guy because he does come off as obnoxious sometimes. Eventually the HHH/Cena vs. Legacy match turned into the same match with Orton involved. So basically they did the exact same main event as last week except with no Seth Green, the hobbit, this time. Wow, that’s creative.
It’s funny because as I was chatting with somebody on Facebook earlier in the day he asked me what I thought Raw’s main event would be and I said HHH & Cena vs. Orton, Dibiase & Rhodes without any knowledge that it would actually happen. I almost feel bad that I was right because it’s too damn predictable.
There’s ZZ Top with Santino backstage because they had no faith in having ZZ Top in front of the live crowd. It was smart of WWE to do pre-tapes. On the other hand, if this is the best they could do then they should have re-considered things. You could tell that ZZ Top wasn’t actually playing any of their songs during any of their segments. Came off as very bush league and didn’t have me excited about anything going forward. I have to admit that I do get a kick out of how Santino said ZZ Top’s name as well as how he says Triple H.
Primo, Kofi Kingston & MVP d. Big Show, Jack Swagger & Carlito (**1/4)
This was alright. I like six man tag team matches featuring people that don’t wrestle every week (like in the main event) because they come off as fresh on a show that doesn’t usually have fresh stuff on it. As usual, a talent like MVP comes off as just another guy, which continues to be ridiculous to me. I don’t blame the fans for not giving a shit about the guy when the bookers care even less about him. The best part of the match was Primo’s hot tag. This is why the Colon brothers should not have broken up. Primo’s energy is phenomenal when he gets the tag. You can hear the crowd actually giving a shit when he’s doing his stuff. I liked how the finish was booked with Big Show accidentally spearing Carlito, Kofi taking Show out to the floor and then Primo hitting a springboard headbutt (I remember who used to do a headbutt) to pin his brother. By the way, the only person in this match that’s not in the US Title match on Sunday got the pinfall here. Weird. I wonder if they’ll even have a singles match with the brothers or if it will just end there as both of them float into the sea of midcard hell. Post match, Show beat everybody up because for some reason they feel the need to remind everybody every week that he’s bigger than the others. Thanks. He’s only been wrestling on television for 14 years now. I didn’t know.
They sent Jericho backstage to talk to ZZ Top. Even his greatness couldn’t save these awful segments. They didn’t know who Fozzy was, which I guess was an attempt at comedy. They told him to wrestle Mark Henry. That led to Jericho asking “How” he should do that, which then led to them playing “Sharp Dressed Man” with what essentially were air guitars. This was terrible. I’m sorry to the ZZ Top fans out there, but holy shit was this bad. What’s sad is that people on the writing team wrote this segment and probably thought it was clever. Or at least convinced crazy Vince it was clever. It wasn’t.
Jerry Lawler d. Brian Kendrick (1/2*)
Kendrick was out at ringside wanting to be Jericho’s partner. They referenced Kendrick’s one year title run on Smackdown although they can’t mention Paul London’s name because he was foolish enough to think that Vince McMahon’s car blowing up back in the day was ridiculous. He was right, of course. Man, I wish I was writing about this show when that happened or last year when the set fell on Vince. Those are two of the greatest unintentionally funny things to ever happen on Raw. Anyway, Kendrick insulted Lawler for never having won a title in WWE, which led to Lawler naming himself the opponent of Kendrick. He won in about two minutes. Way to put the nearly 60 year old over a guy in the prime of his career. This came off as “we need to fill five minutes” and that’s exactly what it was. Filler. In Lawler’s defense, I love how he throws a punch.
My girl Mickie James and her cleavage (hello girls!) were being interviewed by Josh Matthews on a stage in front of the crowd like they used to do with Mean Gene in the late 80s/early 90s. I felt nostalgic just seeing the set like that. ZZ Top are the greatest GMs ever for bringing that back. Or not. Anyway, Mickie called Maryse a “Trampion” which I guess is an insult if you’re 12 years old…or on the WWE writing team. Miz came out, said Maryse is glamorous unlike Mickie, who will be working at a waffle house in ten years. Mmmm waffles. Mickie said Miz is jealous because she’s pinned Maryse while Miz can’t score at all. Owned. Or is it pwned? I guess it’s either. Maryse came out, did a stare and then sprayed something into Mickie’s eyes. I think Mickie should wrestle with goggles on Sunday. Anyway, this was an effective segment because unlike everything else in WWE they’ve taken their time in building this match. If you don’t rush things people will give a shit. If you rush things nobody cares. It’s not hard to understand.
CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio on Smackdown this week. That’s much better than giving away Punk vs. Hardy for free like they had originally planned. I also hope there’s another Tricky Ricky segment on the show because they’re so bizarre especially with the announcers never acknowledging them or pointing out that it’s actually R-Truth doing it.
Mark Henry d. Chris Jericho via DQ (*1/4)
The question here was can anybody drag a good match out of Mark Henry? The answer is no. I’m so tired of this push already. I still don’t believe the crowd will give a shit about the guy if he works with somebody other Orton or Jericho. This was predictable with Jericho being unable to do anything on him, so he used a chair to get DQ’d. I guess we’re supposed to believe that Mark Henry is a badass now even though for 13 years in this company we’ve seen him lose more matches than he’s won sometimes in less than three minutes. Oh wait, there I go remembering the past again. Sorry Vince. I am cringing at the inevitable Henry vs. Big Show feud. You know it’s coming. You can’t stop it.
More “comedy” with ZZ Top as they put Chavo Guerrero in ANOTHER match with Hornswoggle, this time a Tuxedo Match, or in their case a Sharp Dressed Man match because that’s one of their songs.
Hornswoggle d. Chavo Guerrero in a Sharp Dressed Man Match (DUD)
The two Horny/Chavo matches before were so bad we needed more of it apparently. Chavo’s pant legs were tied together, so he had to waddle out there like a penguin. I know that every time I rip these Horny segments the same people email me saying “the kids like him” and I understand that. However, you don’t need to put him in matches. They should just keep him with Finlay or Goldust at ringside or even a tag match. It’s too insulting to us as viewers to have to watch these “matches” every week that aren’t even funny. This match made me really regret watching Raw “live” on Mondays. I might have to back to the PVR route again so I can fast forward through some of this stuff. It’s just that when I’m writing this column I want to be thorough in my reviews. I just don’t know if it’s worth the mental pain it brings me. Of course Horny won because I guess Chavo has to look like a fool since his aunt Vickie quit before the company had finished their storyline with her. I’m sure Eddie would be proud.
Backstage, Cena and HHH said they can count on eachother tonight, but on Sunday it’ll be different. They agreed to take care of Orton and Legacy tonight without ever mentioning that they beat them already last week.
More ZZ Top with Santino. This turned into their song “Legs” starting to play, various divas coming into the segment showing their legs off and then Santino showing off his legs. I guess we’re supposed to laugh at him acting like a metrosexual. ZZ Top took off, yet the camera stayed on Santino as the joke died a slow death. I’m sure Vince thought this was the funniest thing ever while doing his cackling laugh backstage. Note to Vince: It was terrible.
There’s Jericho walking backstage with pain on his face, as if he actually watched all these ZZ Top segments. Oh wait, that’s my face. His face is in pain because of Mark Henry. Hey, I’m in pain from watching Mark Henry! High five! Anyway, Dibiase & Rhodes bump into him and they use the 12 year old putdown by saying their dad is cooler than Chris’ dad. Yes, because the way you stick it to a nearly 40 year old man with multiple world title reigns and millions of dollars in his bank account is by ripping on his dad’s NHL career from 25 years ago. That’ll show him! They say when they’re done with him they’ll get Orton to kick him in the head, which leads to Jericho saying maybe Orton is his partner. Oh, the intrigue. This was actually a good segment on a show full of bad ones. Good for them.
Next week’s host: Shaquille O’Neal. Awesome. One of my favorite athletes ever and a naturally funny guy, so it should be fun. Then again this writing team writes some pretty bad comedy. It could tarnish Shaq’s comedy. The good thing is he’s an actual legitimate star in today’s society that younger people will probably like seeing and it might create some buzz in the sports world.
Rosa Mendez & Alicia Fox d. Gail Kim & Kelly Kelly for some reason (1/4*)
Why do they keep sticking Rosa out there on live television when she has proven on multiple occasions that she isn’t ready for it? It’s sloppy and somebody’s going to get hurt. Gail Kim’s probably the best female wrestler in the company even though they never know how to use her properly, Kelly’s very much improved, Alicia’s improving quickly and Rosa comes off like a skinny model trying to do something her body isn’t trained to do. This came off as yet another filler match much like Kendrick/Lawler earlier in the show.
We got a plug for ZZ Top as they came out into the arena finally to salute the crowd, who by this point probably hated them. I should use this opportunity to say that the announcers on this show were awful. For every one of the ZZ Top/Santino segments the crowd wasn’t laughing. Then they would cut back to the announcers as they busted out their fake laughs and acted as if they were watching something actually funny. They’re told to do this by Vince, who was by far the worst announcer ever at doing the fake laugh, but that doesn’t make it right.
Triple H & John Cena d. Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase (**1/4)
It was a pretty basic tag match similar to last week although there wasn’t Seth Green in there to punch somebody in the mouth. Triple H got beat up, Cena got the hot tag, cleaned house and scored the pinfall with a rollup because I guess they’re saving the finishers for Sunday. Not a bad idea. Of course the match was tolerable because it followed the main event tag team formula that has worked for decades now, but like I’ve said we saw it last week. Maybe they could have had ZZ Top “run” in hit a flying beard splash for something different. See how creative I am? And I’m not even on drugs…like the WWE writing team probably is. Then again maybe they should be on drugs because at least people on drugs have creative minds.
Three Stars of the Show
1. Anybody not in the ZZ Top segments – The sooner I forget about those segments, the better.
2. Chavo Guerrero – For putting up with the shit they make him go through week after week.
3. Chicks showing some leg – See how far I had to reach this week?
Rating: 3 (out of 10)
Last week: 4.5
In Closing…
I’m not sure if that’s the lowest score in the two months since I’ve started doing this, but it felt like the worst one I’ve reviewed in that time. I think giving it a 3 is too nice on my part. Terrible show. The six man tag and the main event were okay for TV matches, but they were nothing that anybody is going to remember in the future. It was just the same thing we always get. I respect ZZ Top as musicians, but the segments they were in were as bad as any segments they’ve had on WWE TV in years. I also wasn’t a fan of the Lawler/Kendrick or divas tag matches. They were both time killers. There’s a PPV on Sunday. You’re supposed to use Raw to try to promote that. They used some of the show to promote it, but they could have done a lot more.
Thankfully Shawn Michaels will reportedly be back for Summerslam, which means he’ll be back on TV hopefully as soon as next week or one of the weeks after that.
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some good things to say about the show:
“I am not really a Cena fan but the opening promo was very entertaining I thought. Reminded me of what DX would do.”
“Um….Gail Kim looked like a wrestler.”
“This was just as bad as the TNA PPV.”
“The best part tonight was Big Show cleaning house, yet he won’t get the U.S. belt.”
“Carlito hit Kofi with a pretty good dropkick…that’s about it”
“MVP was actually in a match. That’s….um….something.”
“Backstage segment with Jericho and Legacy was decent…that’s about it.”
“Jericho…..but wait a minute they let Mark Henry squash him again….. that’s good for business lol.”
“The best part about tonight is that it’s over.”
Well said. Next week we’ll do the same thing. I’m not putting in names to protect the people, but join the facebook page and throw your comments in after Raw and it could show up in the column. While I won’t only post funny stuff, I would suggest the funnier you make your comment(s) the better. I post this at around 12pmET Tuesdays, so you only have about a 12 hour window to get it in here.
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A Quick Preview of WWE Night of Champions
It’s on Sunday. You might not know that after watching Raw, but trust me it will be on Sunday. I think match wise there is some potential for some good to great bouts (Hardy/Punk should be the best) while nothing will be that bad. Onto the matches.
Intercontinental Title: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
I’m interested to see how much time they get here. I think Mysterio can have good matches with anybody except for the really tall or really fat guys, so it should be exciting at least. I really like Ziggler’s potential even though he’s got a terrible ring name. He’ll win the belt soon, but not yet. The Pick: Rey Mysterio
United States Title: Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Big Show vs. The Miz vs. Carlito vs. MVP vs. Jack Swagger
Hello spotfest. Get ready for a lot of “two guys do stuff while everybody else plays dead” kind of spots. I don’t mind these kinds of matches. The action is usually good, the spots are well timed and they generally lead to a good finish. It’s just too bad that Evan Bourne isn’t in the match to get destroyed by Big Show again. I think Kingston should retain the title although if it’s not him then Miz might win in a match booked like a fluke. The Pick: Kofi Kingston
ECW Title: Tommy Dreamer (c) vs. Christian
Seems like we’ve been here before. Get the belt back on Christian, and then give me Christian vs. Benjamin. No Kozlov, please. The Pick: Christian
Women’s Title: Michelle McCool (c) vs. Melina
Is this official? It’s not on WWE.com as I write this Tuesday morning, but I assume it is. Michelle just won the belt, so there’s no reason for her to lose the belt now. The Pick: Michelle McCool
Divas Title: Maryse (c) vs. Mickie James
Like I said before I have enjoyed the slow build up to this. It’s better than the women’s feud on Smackdown. My guess is Maryse retains because they like her a lot as champ although I see Mickie getting the belt at Summerslam most likely. The Pick: Maryse
Unified Tag Titles: Chris Jericho & ??? (c) vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase
I think Jericho has to win the match with whoever his partner is because he’s the guy that should be appearing on all the shows. My initial pick was Dolph Ziggler, but now I’m thinking it could be Miz because it makes sense too. Either guy will benefit from teaming with Chris. I’ll go with my instincts and take Ziggler as my pick for the partner. The Pick: Jericho & Ziggler
World Heavyweight Title: CM Punk (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
This should be the best match on the night even though the outcome should be obvious. Hardy’s contract is up in a few weeks with the belief that he won’t sign an extension right away. Maybe they’ll do a swerve by giving him the win and then have him drop it back to Punk on Smackdown, but I think they’ve already pissed him off enough with the way they’ve booked his title wins in the past. With that said, I see Punk retaining after 15 minutes of good action in the ring due to the successful heel turn of Punk. The Pick: CM Punk
WWE Title: Randy Orton (c) vs. Triple H vs. John Cena
Be positive here, folks. We’ve seen it before, but at least it’s not HHH vs. Orton. It’s been three months since Cena’s had a belt, which I guess is a long time in the 2009 version of WWE with the fast title switches. I don’t think it’s time to move it off Orton especially with HBK coming back any day now. He overcomes the odds to retain. The Pick: Randy Orton
At Summerslam I see Orton defending the belt against Michaels while Triple H wrestles Cena in a singles match.
Looking back at my picks I have every champion retaining except for Dreamer. I doubt I’m right. I think my logic makes sense, but when does logic matter in WWE anymore? Enjoy the show, people.
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I appreciate any feedback you guys can give so please send me your thoughts at [email protected] about anything related to WWE past or present. If you add me on facebook (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) you’ll see the links to my columns as well because I post them there just as soon as I post them on this website.
Check out my For Love or Money column that I wrote with Matt Seagull last week, which was posted on Friday. We covered a lot, so give it a look if you haven’t done so already.
I might be back at the end of the week with something else, but if not you can count on me being here next Tuesday for the Raw Deal with some thoughts on Night of Champions as well.
Smell ya later,
John Canton – [email protected]
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