Cewsh Reviews – The 242 Raw Review: 8/1/11

Well, the new music was no shocker this time…the crowd knew exactly who they expected to see, and responded with enthusiastic approval. Punk, sitting cross-legged in the ring, uses his golden tongue to explain to the audience why he came back, and how he wants to facilitate change in the WWE. 

Of note from this promo (aside from Punk’s absolute brilliant delivery, which is something that we’ve come to assume but not state), is Punk’s change-of-heart toward the fans. Once referring to them as “part of the problem”, Punk now views himself as their “voice” and “saviour”. And honestly, this plays much better into the direction they’re taking with him…he’s addressing complaints that wrestling fans have had with the WWE for years, so of course we’re going to throw support behind him. Old fans, spurned by the childish actions of Cena and longing for the good ol’ Attitude days are tuning in again. Even the smarkiest of smarks are starting to become optimistic about this “new WWE”. And Punk, who has always been a cult hero regardless, is the face of it all…it really couldn’t be happening to a better guy as far as we’re concerned.

And to add to the effect…it seems like the WWE itself has no idea how to handle this (kayfabe-wise…in reality, they’re doing all the right things). This is sold by the announce team incredibly well. Is he a heel? Is he a face? Punk isn’t only blurring this line…he’s taking it, divvying it up and made a fully-functional game of Pong with it. They have no idea how to react…and yet, that’s exactly what works about it. Everyone is joyfully confused.

So Punk goes on to explain why he’s the true champ. Until…

…some familiar music of a polarizing figure hits. Leading to one of the best back-and-forth interactions I’ve seen in modern-day wrestling.

Triple H, who recently “fired” Vince after being appointed the new WWE COO, explains that signing Punk was a business decision. Turns out that Trips has his own personal feelings on Punk, none of which are positive, leading to a verbal retaliation (including a brief but amazingly dead-on impersonation) by the Second City Saint, culminating in some almost legitimately-feeling tension in the ring. And honestly…that’s how it should feel. Almost legitimate. This entire angle is meant to mess with peoples’ minds, and the perception of “what’s real” in the WWE. Essentially, we’re all part of one big Cronenberg movie. With more sweat and muscles and stuff.

One thing needs to be explained to me however…why does Triple H think he re-signed John Morrison? Wasn’t he injured? Is this some kind of inside joke that everyone is playing on Triple H? Y’know, sort of like how Melina and Batista used to chuckle to themselves every time they sent JoMo out for a pack of smokes?

Anyway, following this epic confrontation, we have our first actual match of the night (yes, they still have those)…

In typical formulaic Diva fashion, Kelly Kelly decides to join us on commentary, as if to flat-out say “they have no time for me to do cut promos, so let’s kill two birds with one stone by having me talk over top of a Divas match, even though I’m going to be interacting with Cole’s cartoonish villainy and Lawler’s even-more-cartoonish ogling the entire time, but that won’t detract from the match that exactly seven people are interested, because the Divas division is the WNBA of the WWE right now”. And you would be correct, Kelly squared.

Following a brief segment of furious flailing female limbs (which is par for the course for these over-the-top-err-I-mean-any-rope battle royals), including a humorous ejection of Eve by some painful-looking vaginal punching, Beth Phoenix showcases her strength by eliminating both Bellas and emerges victorious. 

If you’re going to ride Punk while he’s hot, you might as well ride everything associated with Punk as well. And for maybe the first time in WWE history…the biggest and strongest person in the ring actually won a battle royal, instead of being played up as the clear favourite and then being eliminated by Maven or some shit.

Following that, Kelly goes to congratulate her suddenly bff Beth, which is fine and good until Beth realizes they are both faces and promptly turns heel to beat the shit out of her. She then goes on to audibly call out Kelly as a blonde Barbie doll, while simultaneously wearing a tiara and a shiny outfit that shows off her plastic boobs. The ironing is mildly delicious.

That aside…I’ve been wondering lately how the WWE would look if they just take a more hands-off approach with creative and let people play to their strengths and do what they do best. Take R-Truth for instance…once considered a stale character with a kinda fun entrance, he’s now absolutely nailing his character and is the highlight of the show for some people. It makes me wonder who else is being “held down” like that. Could you see Kelly turning heel and cutting LayCool-esque promos? Who knows, right? I don’t know why, but I have a feeling Eve is going to show us some of that one day, and we’ll all wonder why we ever thought she was bland.

This match opens with an…interesting confrontation between R-Truth & Miz. These two characters clash just enough to work…I love Truth’s batshit craziness next to Miz’s scripted-yet-comfortable collective character. Although I am a little tired of Truth dropping the “C-O-N-….SPIRACY” line…which is totally stolen from an In Living Color sketch. And yes, I don’t actually care about that, I just wanted to acknowledge that I knew a factoid of information that you may not have. Just trying to blend in with the rest of the internet here, people.

On to the match itself. Morrison, fresh from recovery, immediately goes on the offense and shows that he can still flippy-flip into his opponents and call it wrestling (which, to be fair, is an important skill if you have the charisma of a potato). He tags in Rey to keep the offense going straight into the commercial break…where the dreaded “commercial break counter wtf happened” offense is employed by Miz & co..

Side note…don’t you think smaller-to-average sized wrestlers have a fucking blast when wrestling Rey? He’s so tiny! It’s like being a kid and playfighting with your little brother, except with more masks and tattoos and moves-that-look-like-they-should-hurt-the-other-guy-but-apparently-hurt-you-because-you’re-the-guy-that-fell-down-after.

Anyway…Team Heel keeps the pressure on, until an inexplicable high-risk maneuver is attempted, resulting in the dreaded face team counter. JoMo gets the hot tag, and cleans house, setting Truth up for the Starship Pain (assuming he lands it…questionable assumption there) until Miz makes the save by pulling Truth’s carcass clear out of the ring. Rey gets involved with Miz, while Morrison ensures that Truth gets set up for the 619, but Miz makes the save again by dragging Mysterio out of the ring. Miz continues to distract Morrison (getting served in the process), until Truth comes in for the kill.

Very fun match here…and I actually think both patchwork excuses for tag teams work pretty well as…well, teams. Truth planting “conspiracy” thoughts in Miz’s head is a brilliant way to go, and considering that both men have a pretty successful tag-team history, I’m curious to see if they keep going in this direction. It would seem that Morrison has some business to take care of with Truth, but at the same time, it’s not like Miz and Morrison are strangers to each other.

Triple H ominously warns Cena to keep it “strictly business”. Although this feels like foreshadowing of some sort…even in hindsight I’m not sure what it means. I decided that he’s referring to Cena’s Twitter account. Which is on the verge of resembling Greg Oden’s cellphone outbox.

…yeah, I should’ve probably gone Favre there, but I find that mental image even more nauseating. But then again, he’s a more well-known guy, and for some reason it’s just funnier. I mean, at least Oden was huge…deep down, you still have to have some kinda respect for his lack of shyness with the subject matter.

Wait, why am I debating this?

Also, why do famous people still have cellphone cameras, when publicists exist?

Vickie comes out looking yet another 10 lbs. lighter than I remember (which is awesome for her, but begs the question, exactly how thin do you have to be before Lawler stops making fat jokes?), with Dolph by her side looking more like “classic” Dolph every week. Ziggler proceeds to make a disappointingly generic heel promo (littered with Vickie’s “EXCUSE ME!” catchphrase, that’s just now starting to lose a little heat), until some silly music hits and A-Ry (can we still call him that? Is it actually A-Ri? I don’t know, let’s be safe here) Alex Riley emerges to a chorus of happy fans. Riley, now confronting the power couple, encourages Dolph to drop his heat machine partner (can’t say I disagree…it was a great pairing but this promo proved that it’s run its course). 

Dolph responds by muttering something about not knowing who A-Ry is (oddly enough, Dolph seems to be funnier when his lines are picked up by the camera instead of holding a microphone) and backing down.

All in all, given the quality of stuff we’ve seen from Punk/Cena/Trips and even Miz/Truth, I’m not sure this sort of color-by-number promo can fly any more. I’m also not sure Riley’s a great opponent for Ziggler…despite his solid mic skills, I still just don’t see “it” in Alex Riley…not as a face anyway. But hey, it’s fresh, we’ll probably get a good PPV match out of it, and most likely a Riley US Title reign down the line (which would probably be a good move, given his inexplicable momentum). But promo-wise, I expect them to step up their game. Luckily, both men are more than capable of doing so.