World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…
WWE Payback 2013
Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that view payback as a demand to have your money returned, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we take our first grown ups steps into the iffy WWE summer ppv schedule with WWE Payback 2013! Now, traditionally, this is the time of year where everything pretty much goes to hell interest-wise. They start pushing new acts, they start experimenting with new main eventers, and in general they just kind of kill time until Money in the Bank rolls around. But surprisingly, here we are in the middle of June and there’s quite a bit to talk about already. We have Ryback attempting to put his stamp on WWE by destroying John Cena in a 3 Stages of Hell match, CM Punk making his triumphant return in the town that he owes as surely as if his name was on the deed, and we even have that AJ/Kaitlyn match that they’ve been building to for 12 years and have never actually gotten around to. So with quite a lot to talk about for once, let’s not waste any time getting to the good stuff.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Segment 1 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Wade Barrett (c) vs. The Miz vs. Curtis Axel
Cewsh: There isn’t a whole lot of story coming into this match, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t still a lot of context that needs to be brought to it. See, this match is kind of a career cross roads for all 3 of these men. Wade Barrett was the golden child when he debuted 2 years ago, and has seen his star slowly dwindle as time goes on, as he found himself unable to get music, mannerisms or matches that connected with crowds. He needs this match to be good in order to prove to WWE that he’s someone they can depend on anywhere on the card. The Miz has fallen even further than Barrett, and yet he isn’t in a bad spot. He could be said to be the top babyface midcarder in the company outside of Kofi Kingston, and he’s starting to grow into a wonderful in ring performer as he rebuilds his image and credibility. He needs this match to be good in order to continue building a quiet legacy of great performances that will lead to the respect from fans that he needs to grow as a performer.
And then there’s Curtis Axel, who has been polished up all shiny and new from his days of jobbing everywhere that could find for him to do it in. His reemergence, thanks to Paul Heyman, shows promise, and he’s always been a savvy in ring performer. Now he’s just looking to add that extra piece to make it all work. He needs this match to be good so he can begin to instill in the minds of fans that his new name is one that can be associated with quality. Oh, and there’s that little thing about this being Father’s Day, and Axel competing for the belt that his father was synonymous with.
A legacy to save, a legacy to build and a legacy to begin. That’s a whole lot of pressure for one match.
Lucky for all three men, this match IS good. From the start, all 3 had good chemistry with one another, and having a match that was a little different from the norm with a different formula seemed to keep the crowd invested throughout, as the competitors sought to break the all time record for “Most Pin Break Ups In One Match”. Things stayed exciting and well paced all throughout, all the way to the end where Miz has Barrett in the Figure Four, only for Axel to sneak in and pin Barrett before Miz can get his legs untangled.
This Is The Least Satisfying Threesome Ever.
It was a really clever finish that worked well, and the pop that Axel got for winning the Intercontinental Championship and being so emotional about it, looking to the sky with tears in his eyes, bodes extremely well for him in the future one way or another. But none of these three come out of this match looking worse in the slightest. They came together, had an exciting opening match, and may have helped to make a new star.
Perfect.
Now all they have to do is all stop being in bad movies and they’ll be off on their way again.
80 out of 100
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval
Curtis Axel Over Everyone Else Following Shenanigans.
Segment 2 – Curtis Axel Is A Mailman.
Cewsh: We go backstage to see Curtis Axel and Paul Heyman walking down a hallway, congratulating each other on a job well done. They’re stopped by Triple H, who congratulates Axel, and then by Vince McMahon who asks Triple H if he’s up for a match with Axel on Raw. Triple H says no, with the implication being that Triple H is sticking it to his father in law by refusing to do so and then he walks off.
Meanwhile, throughout all of this, Curtis Axel just kind of stands to one side and looks at people, like he seems to do in pretty much every segment he’s a part of. It’s like when you’re telling a story, and you get sidetracked and start talking about Power Rangers or dildos or whatever it is that you talk to the mailman about, and you forget the original point and wind up making a grilled cheese sandwich in the toaster just to see if its possible. Curtis Axel is the mailman, standing by himself on the front porch in the rain, waiting for you to remember he’s there.
Actually, that’s kind of depressing, now that I write it down. Let’s make him a dancing dog instead.
Segment 3 – WWE Divas Championship – Kaitlyn (c) vs. AJ
Cewsh: This storyline has gone on longer than some Greek epics and has contained less action than the Friday nights of my target fanbase, (I love you guys!) It seems like every PPV for months now has been rumored to be the one where this match would take place, causing this feud to just kind of limp along with a “Secret Admirer” angle until it was revealed that is was AJ herself who was behind it all in an effort to humiliate Kaitlyn. Now, since this whole feud has been carried out through WWE backstage videos and promos on WWE.com that you’ve likely never seen, I’ll summarize. Kaitlyn and AJ were best friends when they both made it up to the main roster. Kaitlyn had more success due to her size, but AJ was plucky. But when AJ began down her dark road to insanity with Daniel Bryan, and Kaitlyn tried to help her, AJ lashed out at her former bestie and thus began a simmering rivalry that has lasted nearly TWO YEARS and is finally culminating now.
Helpfully, this really is a surprisingly good match that does credit to one of the few actual storylines that women have gotten a chance to have in WWE in recent times that involve wrestling each other. And while I’ve seen a lot of praise around the internet for this match and for both of the people in it, I’m going to be harshly honest with you in a way that I rarely am. This was all AJ.
Watch The Queen Conquer.
AJ came with her work boots on, as they say, playing the teasing, prodding and frustrating heel with a familiarity and style that few of her peers have managed, even those with twice the credentials that AJ has. She used Kaitlyn’s anger and emotions against her, and brought down the much larger woman one piece at a time until Kaitlyn was a crying heap on the ground and AJ was our new Divas Champion. And while that was great, and she was great, there’s only one thing that kept this match from being special. And that would be the other half of it.
Acting is hard. Trying to portray an emotion that you’re not really feeling in a convincing way is something so difficult and so sought after that, as a society, we worship the people who are able to do it as the kind of idols that would make Moses super steamed if he ever found out about them. So when wrestlers wind up being shitty actors, I try to make allowances, but this match’s quality was dependent heavily on how well Kaitlyn could portray herself as first apocalyptically angry, and then at the very depths of humiliated despair. She went 0-2. And somewhere between he vague angry expressions and the fake crying that elicited chuckles from the people I was watching with, the match became a lesser version of itself.
I AM SAD. SAAAAAAAAAAD.
This is still a solid match, don’t get me wrong. AJ was a revelation, and the storyline here is well constructed enough that it only needs one pillar to keep it standing.
Make That Not Standing.
But I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t feel like Kaitlyn is ready to be part of the generation of Divas that we’re about to see as Paige, Emma, Bailey and other emerge from NXT to take over the world. And even with as hard as she is trying, she and Layla represent a hopefully dying era of women in wrestling that they are the current unwilling figureheads for. As always, I look forward to being proven wrong, but if something with her doesn’t improve before Generation Diva begins, she is going to be left in the dust like so many 1 time WWE women champions before her.
72 out of 100
AJ Over Kaitlyn Following The Black Widow Armbar.
Segment 4 – Live On Location With A Bunch Of Guys Who Didn’t Make The Show.
The Unbookables.
Cewsh: This is the point where they threw to a panel made up o Cody Rhodes, Big Show and R-Truth and had them comment on the matches thus far. There isn’t much to be said about it, really, but I wanted to point it out, because I completely love the idea. It gives them a chance to try out potential color commentary talent without putting them completely on the spot, it gives guys who are left off the show something to do so they don’t lose all of their momentum, and it gives the event a more sporting quality.
A big thumbs up to the entire concept, which will no doubt disappear without a trace now that I have endorsed it.
Segment 5 – WWE United States Championship – Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Kane
Cewsh: This match is boring.
What? Don’t act all offended because I suggested that the the Prince of Cyberland is capable of having a dull match, when you all saw the same match that I did. Kane is a performer who needs support to put on a lengthy singles match that is anything more than passingly amusing, and Dean Ambrose, fresh off a great PPV singles debut against Kofi Kingston, doesn’t quite rise to the challenge. That’s not a slight on Kane or Ambrose, it’s just the reality of what the combination of the two were able to do here. They did some brawling on the inside of the ring, they did some brawling on the outside of the ring, and they did it in front of a crowd that was oddly disinterested for a title match between two members of a 6 man feud with as much heat as this one has had. The crowd really only woke up to boo the ever loving fuck out of them when Ambrose won by countout. Which, since this was a Chicago crowd, and therefore Smarktown USA, isn’t a great thing.
WWE booking seems to work like fashion trends. Everyone will be getting along like normal, and someone will walk in and say, “Hey, we should do a countout, remember countouts?” And all of a sudden we’ll have to endure about 800 countouts before everyone remembers that the reason we don’t do countouts is because the live crowds fucking hate them with the firey passion of an Italian man who thinks you just insulted his mother. It looks like we’re due for a bunch of these before things get back to normal, so buckle in and try not to grind your teeth to stumps by Summerslam.
Ultimately, both of these guys will move on to better things, but when you go and buy the DVD of this show, (or barter it for a bag of magic beans from an idealistic young lad on his way to the market,) this will be the match that you skip without feeling bad about it.
61 out of 100
Dean Amrose Over Kane Following A Countout.
Segment 6 – Trivia Time!
Cewsh: A wrestler is returning to WWE! How exciting! To find out who, just answer this trivia question:
Who is the only professional wrestler that can claim that they have won the the ECW, WWE and TNA Championships? Give up? Okay, he will also go down as one of only 4 men in WWE history to have won the WWE, Intercontinental, European, Hardcore and Tag Team Championships. Still nothing? He’s a former Money in the Bank winner, he had an entire WWE television show built around him, he won and retired both the European title and the Hardcore title in unification matches, he was the face of the ECW brand in its final years and beat John Cena in a PPV main event. Are you seriously still drawing a blank on this? Jesus christ. FINE. He smokes a bunch of weed all the time. Like tons. Who do you think this is? What’s that? NO, NOT THE FUCKING GODFATHER. Look, here’s a screenshot. Who do you think this is? Hint: his name is on it.
What do you mean you saw a different version? What did you see?
Sigh.
Segment 7 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Dolph Ziggler (c) w/ AJ and Big E Langston vs. Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez
Cewsh: This feud all started the very night after Wrestlemania. Alberto Del Rio was flying high after the most high profile title defense of his career, and was due to have a rematch with his Wrestlemania opponent, jack Swagger. After a great match, Del Rio won, despite Swagger trying his best to tear his leg to ribbons with repeated anklelocks. And as Del Rio rose to his feet with the help of his friend Ricardo, one of the most exciting wrestling moments of the year took place.
And after what I am comfortable calling the greatest 3 minute match in wrestling history, Dolph Ziggler was our new World Heavyweight Champion. And, though we had no way to know it at the time, this event would have deep ramifications. But we would have to wait, as soon afterwards, Ziggler got a concussion that kept him out until this show, leaving Del Rio to defeat Jack Swagger in an I Quit match to get another shot at the title that was stolen from him. And so here we are, the Show Stealer vs. the Son of Mexico. Dolph Ziggler’s shot to prove he deserves to be called a champion.
Whether You Like It, Or Whether You Don’t…
I expected a lot of this match. I think extremely highly of both men’s work, and when I was thinking about it beforehand, it seemed like they would gel well together, and be able to produce a really enjoyable match. What I was NOT expecting, was for these two to execute the finest double turn in wrestling since Steve Austin went Sharpshooting. See, Ziggler suffered a concussion last month. And as you well know, if someone suffers a highly publicized injury in real life, they’re going to work it into a match as much as they possibly can, (See: Shawn Michaels, Back Injury.) So while this match begins with some stalling and wrestling, this quickly becomes a game of “How many times can Dolph Ziggler get hit in the head before he dies?” The number is surprisingly high, as Del Rio goes after the champion’s weakness, while the referee and medical personnel check in repeatedly to ensure that Ziggler isn’t sustaining serious damage. And then, as the medical personnel check of Ziggler, we get a moment that not only defined the feud between these two men, but cemented their respective heel and face turns with one single kick.
That Is Some Zesty Brain Damage.
With that the crowd, which had been decidedly on the fence about both men, went 100% anti Del Rio for the rest of the match. Ziggler came back, full of babyface fire, and the crowd took to it like a duck to water, especially when a taunting Del Rio got caught with a Zig Zag out of nowhere. But Ziggler was just too badly hurt, too out of element and off of his game. And Alberto Del Rio was just too damn dangerous to show weakness in front of. And as Ziggler struggled to his feet to keep fighting, Del Rio ended it with a brutally abrupt superkick to the face.
And just like that, we have a new champion, a new main event heel and a new main event babyface.
Everything about this match was a rousing success, and when Alberto Del Rio came back out after the match to praise the fans for supporting him, they booed him so far out of the building that Del Rio is now orbiting Neptune. It was a great match, and a great storyline, and is a study on how to accomplish both at the same time. Bravo.
88 out of 100
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval
Alberto Del Rio Over Dolph Ziggler Following A Superkick.
Segment 8 – Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk
Cewsh: Alright, let’s be honest. The build to this match is one of the most flimsy excuses to put two internet darlings into a match together that I have ever seen. For no real reason, Chris Jericho just started coming out and criticizing CM Punk for calling himself the best in the world when he hadn’t been here since Wrestlemania. Now, I’m not sure if nicknames have to be defended every 30 days like championships or what, but Jericho was wicked upset about this and basically started tormenting Paul Heyman until Heyman agreed to the match on behalf of his client. Let the record show that Chris Jericho is, technically, the babyface here, despite the fact that he spent 3 weeks humiliating Paul Heyman for no reason and especially despite the fact that we are in Chicago tonight to witness their golden child making his triumphant return.
Shrewdly, Jericho and Punk don’t even try to pretend like Punk is anything but a babyface here, and he and Jericho work a match that starts off very, very slow, with Jericho playing the pseudo-heel and Punk not revealing in any way what side he’s on with words or even facial expressions. The beginning minutes of this match are like molasses floating through a sea of Jello, which is okay, because the minutes after those are pretty much flat out great times from then on. Jericho works Punk over, as Punk shows what seems like ring rust, to the extent that the announcers comment on it, and Punk tries valiantly to make a comeback while seeming perpetually one step behind.
Ring Rust!
Finally, in a white hot ending sequence, Punk and Jericho start throwing bombs at each other, which is extremely unwise for Jericho, since that has never been his game. But even so, Jericho almost sneaks out a win when Paul Heyman strangely walks up onto the ring steps while Punk is in control, seemingly hinting at a turn on Punk which never materializes, but which clearly makes Punk suspicious. Punk manages to escape, though, and sure enough, after enough nearfalls to fit a 5 minute Ring of Honor match, Punk nails Jericho with a Go To Sleep, and then catches Jericho as he’s falling down and obliterates him with another one for the victory.
Matches like this are always going to be overrated, because we always like the matches that we desperately want to find the good in. But after being extremely disappointed in their previous matches, this one was a pleasant surprise for me. Playing a tweener works much better for Punk than playing an outright babyface, and the story they told about Punk having to shake off ring rust and exploit Jericho’s weaknesses in order to win was extremely effective and had the crowd on their feet for the last 5 minutes. This match had some issues with pacing, and these two still don’t have chemistry that jumps off the screen like everyone assumed they would, but this is still a great match. And there aren’t too many people who have great matches in their first try back after an absence. But I guess that’s just another day at the office for the alleged “best in the world.”
88 out of 100
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval
CM Punk Over Chris Jericho Following A Go To Sleep.
Segment 9 – WWE Tag Team Championships – The Shield (c) vs. Team RKNo
Cewsh: A Shield match is like a set of attractive quintuplets. They’re all great, and individually you can enjoy them immensely. But if you were, for some reason, a person whose job it was to review people who had their own TLC reality show, you would have an extraordinarily hard time coming up with new and inventive ways to say something new about each successive one. That’s how it is here, as I’m tasked with describing a Shield/Daniel Bryan and friend match to you without just repeating the exact same words that I’ve used to describe other matches featuring the same people.
While some reviewers would rise to this challenge by spinning mere words into the kind of spellbinding circus of expression that would sparkle across the black sky of your imagination forever, I am not one of those reviewers. I’m lazy and do not have your best interest at heart. So in the interest of saying something that I have never said about a match that any of these people were in before, I will tell you that it is good and leave you with this excerpt from a recently unearthed Seth Rollins fan fiction story which, if nothing else, will help you see this match and many others in an entirely different light.
“You’re John’s date?” he asked Seth, Seth nodded. “Yeah I am, you have a problem with that?” he asked, Dwayne laughed. “You think you can keep him satisfied? Johnny needs a man like me, not a boy like you.” Dwayne said. “I am more of a man than you will ever be, at least I won’t throw away someone who loves me, for a quick piece of Ziggler ass.” Seth snapped standing up for himself and John. John whipped his head around and looked at Dwayne. “Ziggler? That’s who you’re with?” John asked, Dwayne nodded. “Yeah and?” he asked, John shook his head and laughed. “At least I rebounded into two hot guys, you just rebounded into a cheerleader.” John mocked him, Dwayne growled. “I suggest you leave.” Seth growled out, it turned John on to see someone standing up for him and he never thought he would see Seth be so dominating it was so sexy.”
See? Now This Has A Totally Different Context.
Don’t lie. That’s a better backstory to Cena vs. Rock than the one we actually got.
75 out of 100
The Shield Over Team Hell No Following A Spear From Roman Reigns To Daniel Bryan.
Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – 3 Stages of Hell Match – John Cena (c) vs. Ryback
Cewsh: The idea of the 3 Stages of Hell match is not new. Once upon a time Triple H and Steve Austin had a match of this sort that is considered by many to be a significant moment in both of their careers, (and you gave it to us to review for the Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card 4 because you love us and want us to be happy.) Of course, considering that this feud has lasted all of two months, and hasn’t been all that brawl heavy, you might be wondering why they would feel the need to settle it in a match with such a climactic gimmick. Obviously, the answer is, “Fucking because, that’s why. I don’t know, stop asking questions.” But even so, it’s a gimmick that gives Cena and Ryback a chance to do some different and be entertaining, and that’s exactly what they do.
The first fall here is a Lumberjack Match. I love the idea of having the Lumberjack Match as the first fall, because every single wrestler has to come down to the ring for this, hang around for 5 minutes, and then just head on back to the locker room. Or at least, that’s what they usually have to do. But usually John Cena doesn’t lose his fucking mind, decide that he’s now Evan Bourne, and take out the entire roster with one crazy move.
“WHEEEEEEWHATTHEHELLAMIDOINGAHHHHHHHH”
After some lumberjack related shenanigans, eventually it’s time to move on to stage two, so Ryback catches Cena with a surprise Shellshock, and wins the first fall.
Ryback Rules: 1-0
Now comes the Tables Match. Now, if WWE can be credited with one good aspect of the build to this match, it’s that in recent times they’ve effectively established that Ryback is very good at chucking fuckers through tables like it’s the ring toss at the county fair, and that Ryback is good at knocking people unconscious and dragging them into ambulances. So objectively, by winning the first fall here, Ryback has given himself a massive advantage. Cena and Ryback fight it out for awhile, and throughout, Ryback does lots of little things that I really appreciate, like flipping over a table when Cena goes to put him through it. Ultimately, though, this is John Cena, and there isn’t going to ever be a sweep in a match of this magnitude. So through the lumber Ryback goes, evening the score.
The Score Is Tied: 1-1
And now on to the Ambulance Match. Now, they’ve been pushing hard on television that this is Ryback’s whole deal, so of course he’s going to lose at it, because this is professional wrestling. But along the way they give us a marvelously fun ride, as they brawl all over the place before finally making it to the ambulance. Now, either Ryback ate some spinach before this match, or this ambulance was doctored in some way, because in quick succession a window gets punched through, a door gets knocked off, and a side panel of the fucking ambulance itself gets torn off and used as a weapon.
As you might expect, John Cena spends this time just struggling and trying to get to safety, because the asshole he’s facing is beating him with fucking car parts and what are you even supposed to do about that? Cena eventually backdrops Ryback into the windshield, and scurries to the top of the truck, and while intelligent thought would have led Ryback to wait him out up there, people who can benchpress houseboats aren’t generally known for their tactical prowess. Ryback follows Cena up, Cena gets the advantage, and one AA through the roof of the ambulance later, the champ is still very much here.
John Cena Wins: 2-1
I enjoyed this match a lot, and a big part of that was the unexpected touches that they added to things. Cena’s huge dive, Ryback’s intelligent defense, and the destructable ambulance with the kung fu grip were all refreshing changes on the typical formula, and Ryback actually came out of this looking better in defeat that he did coming into the match. And let the record show that John Cena still has never pinned Ryback in a match, something that I am certain will be revisited again later on. Over the long period where he wasn’t champion, I had actually forgotten how good a dynamic John Cena title defense could be. Now that I’m seeing it again, you won’t here me complaining about seeing it some more.
83 out of 100
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval
John Cena Over Ryback Two Falls To One.
———————————————————-
Cewsh’s Conclusion:
Cewsh: It’s funny how sometimes a show that has very little going for it in terms of build and backstory can wind up being a great one nonetheless. Let’s be clear, the television leading up to this event did it no favors, but nearly every match ranged from enjoyable to outright excellent, and there were 4 matches that got my Seal of Approval. Any time I give half the matches on a show the Seal, you should probably be adding that one to your collection. It’s also worth mentioning that this show focused on matches and almost completely left out backstage segments altogether, which gave the show a much smoother flow and allowed it build momentum from match to match.
With the historically excellent Money in the Bank PPV on the horizon, we may be looking at the first summer in WWE history that doesn’t have a single terrible pay per view. The idea that we may finally do away with the Summerslog seems like an impossible dream, but god dammit, this show has made me a believer.
Cewsh’s Final Score: 78.2 out of 100
Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our look at WWE’s idea of Payback, (which is mainly the hero winning again and no payback taking place.) Don’t head off into the sunset just yet, though, because we have another review coming to you this very week. You see, SOMEBODY turned 11 this year, didn’t they, TNA? Oh yes, and we’re going to do to TNA Slammiversary XI what every parent should do to their 11 year old. Find fault with it mercilessly until it breaks down and develops a drinking problem. Or coddle it with love and affection. I don’t know, one of those. So until next time, remember to always keep reading, and be good to one another.
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