Cheering, whooping and hollering.
Host: Hello and welcome to the talent show to beat all talent shows!
Here are your judges: He’s got a weird face, his trousers are pulled up too high and he hates good music … it’s Simon Cowell. Joining him are former Eurovision winner Conchita Wurst and, thanks to a contractual obligation, Günther Oettinger, the outgoing European commissioner for budget and human resources.
It’s time for our first contestant. Leading from the front, it’s Ursula von der Leyen. She’s joined by all seven of her children for a recreation of surely her finest moment — back in the ’70s when she appeared on the TV show “Die aktuelle Schaubude” along with her family. They’ll be performing Die Albrecht Familie’s 1978 single “Wohlauf in Gottes schöne Welt” (“Well in God’s beautiful world”) and its B-side, “Alle Birken grünen in Moor und Heid” (“All birches blossom in the moor and heath”).
Wohlauf in Gottes schöne Welt,
lebe wohl, ade!
Die Luft ist blau und grün das Feld,
lebe wohl, ade!
Die Berge glüh’n wie Edelstein,
ich wandre mit dem Sonnenschein,
lalalala, lalala, ins weite Land hinein
lalalala, lalala, ins weite Land hinein!
(and on and on)
Applause.
Host: Wonderful stuff. Let’s see what the judges think.
Simon: That. Was. Awful. It’s 2019, darling, not 1978. And as for all that lederhosen!
Conchita: I loved it! Irony is in. Boris Johnson just said it’s important to trust politicians — hilarious. If you make it through to the final, please perform the same song but on horseback.
Günther: What time’s dinner?
Host: Next up it’s Finland’s Jutta Urpilainen. She was once named Europe’s “fourth-best finance minister” but will she be in first place when it comes to singing? Sadly she won’t be performing her impromptu version of “We Will Rock You,” but rather a song from her 2002 album called “Christmassy Thoughts.” Here’s “Winter Wonderland.”
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight
We’re happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland
Gone away is the bluebird
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song
As we go along
Walking in a winter wonderland
etc. etc. etc.
Applause.
Host: How festive. Judges?
Simon: That. Was. Terrible. If I wanted hackneyed schmaltz, I’d listen to any of the records I’ve ever put out.
Conchita: Brilliant stuff and, thanks to global inaction on climate change, the snow was real (and we’re filming this in August).
Günther: Seriously, what time’s dinner?
Host: It’s time for Malta’s Helena Dalli. She won the Miss Malta contest 40 years ago and represented Malta in the Miss World contest in London. But tonight she’ll be reprising her role as policewoman Maria Cassar in the 1985 action film “Final Justice.”
Cassar looks on helplessly as Sheriff Thomas Jefferson Jeronimo (played in the film by Joe Don Baker but played here by Frans Timmermans) confronts the mobster Joseph Palermo (originally played by Venantino Venantini but here starring Paolo Gentiloni). It ends in a shootout with Jeronimo standing tall.
Applause.
Host: Wow, that was tense. What did the judges think?
Simon: That. Was. Terrible. If I wanted bad acting, I’d watch that Prince Andrew interview again.
Conchita: Fabulous. I genuinely don’t know how you didn’t win an Oscar.
Günther: [Has gone for dinner]
Host: And finally it’s a double act. Maroš Šefčovič is a huge “Star Trek” fan, and he’ll be reading an extract from Thierry Breton’s sci-fi novel “Softwar.”
Captain James T. Šefčovič: “The Soviets buy an American supercomputer through France, supposedly to forecast weather in Siberia, but the suspicious U.S. sends brilliant computer scientist Brendon Baines to plant a series of booby traps in the software.”
Applause.
Host: Wow. Insightful. But what do the judges think?
Simon: That. Was. Calamitous. If I wanted crackpot conspiracy theories, I’d join the Hungarian government.
Conchita: Visionary. And Breton’s going to be commissioner for space!
Günther: [Now asleep after dinner]
Host: That’s all from us. Tune in next week when … Sorry, I’m told the show’s been canceled. Goodnight.