\u201cOf course, it\u2019s different for underwear,\u201d the professor said as she hobbled around the desk.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you happen to be confronted by your assailant while you are dressed only in your nightclothes \u2014 which happens more often than you would think …\u201d and she paused a moment there, a wistful gleam in her eye.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyway, in such circumstances, there are only three possible outcomes, which depend upon your choice of sleepwear:<\/p>\n
\u201cGirls wearing bras and panties are considered to be of weak moral character and therefore expendable. Expect the monster to attack you first. You will certainly be slaughtered, so remember your lessons and scream for all you\u2019re worth.\u201d<\/p>\n
A shaft of light pierced the darkness of the auditorium. A pair of students strolled in, chatting with each other as they searched for seats. They squirmed and shoved their way across the room, distracting others in turn, their entrance perturbating through the class in a kind of Brownian motion made of people. The instructor paused, not bothering to look behind her, until the room was silent again.<\/p>\n
\u201cTo continue,\u201d she said, \u201cthose found wearing teddies, corsets, or other sundry items are likewise doomed.\u201d There were more than a few nervous titters throughout the audience. \u201cIn this case, however, the actual killing is almost secondary to the torture. For reasons we have not yet discovered, these outfits tend to attract sadomasochistic monsters such as serial killers, nightmare incarnations, and their allied species. Expect to be stalked and kidnapped before suffering a horrific fate. Lotion is often involved.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was a crash as one of the newcomers knocked her bag to the floor. \u201cSorry,\u201d she muttered as she rummaged through its contents. She nudged the girl sitting next to her.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I borrow a pencil?\u201d she asked between pops of gum.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou really should have come more prepared, Esther,\u201d the other said, proffering one.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you should really do something else with your makeup,\u201d Esther replied. She ignored the pencil, rooted again in her bag, and produced a digital recorder. She set it on her desk, pressed a button, and crossed her arms. Throughout the exchange Mrs. Plum waited silently, her chalk tapping against the desk.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we are quite ready?\u201d she asked. She cleared her throat. \u201cGirls in nightgowns fall into the heroine category. They will be chased, of course. They should count on running through a stream or sprinkler, and their clothing will almost certainly be torn in a revealing manner, perhaps by the claw of the beast himself. In the end, however, they will find some way to triumph. The same rule applies to those wearing T-shirts. But pajamas are considered juvenile, and are not allowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre there any questions, class?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMrs. Plum?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, Jane?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about full or partial nudity?\u201d<\/p>\n
Mrs. Plum smiled, then winked conspiratorially. \u201cWell, then it depends on how fast you can dress.\u201d<\/p>\n
The class laughed dutifully. Outside, an October breeze rustled the dead leaves on the grounds of Karloff University, New England\u2019s most prestigious college of horror. No one in the auditorium noticed, most of them being too busy scribbling furiously in their pink-and-black notebooks to pay attention to the weather. Others were absorbed in more personal matters.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell of course they want me back next season,\u201d Esther said, a momentary silence allowing her voice to sing out across the class. Mrs. Plum gave one of her dreaded \u201charumphs,\u201d and returned to the chalkboard to write out the night\u2019s assignment.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe will continue with the fundamentals, of course,\u201d she said as she wrote. \u201cPlease read Chapter 3 of Lovecraft, and Chapters 5 and 6 from King\u2019s Theory of Haunting<\/i>. Also, for examples of today\u2019s lesson …\u201d<\/p>\n
A tittering giggle broke her train of thought, and she whirled around, her glare sweeping like a searchlight across the classroom, until it settled inevitably on Esther and her friend.<\/p>\n
Esther was oblivious to her, twirling her long blond hair as her bubblegum popped like rifle fire. \u201c… never saw anyone with such natural body linguistics\u201d she said to her companion, a petite brunette who dropped her gaze as she saw Mrs. Plum\u2019s glare.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you are quite finished, Esther?\u201d asked Mrs. Plum in glacial tones.<\/p>\n
Esther took notice of Mrs. Plum for the first time. She waved her hand dismissively. \u201cSorry,\u201d she muttered. She attempted to resume her conversation, but her friend ignored her, studiously copying down notes from the chalkboard. With a sigh, Esther settled back down in her seat. \u201cBoring,\u201d she muttered sotto voce<\/i>, a smile curling the corners of her mouth as she recalled the term from her acting tutorials.<\/p>\n
A student in the next row turned to her. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to be here, you know. You could go study to be in a romance novel.\u201d<\/p>\n
She sniffed her pert nose. \u201cOh, I like<\/i> being a horror character. But all this,\u201d she waved her hand vaguely, taking in the classroom, the building, the entire university, \u201cis so … obsolete. It\u2019s the 21st century!\u201d She paused, trying to remember bits of discussions she\u2019d overheard from the upperclassmen. \u201cThe possibilities of CGI are so complex. Horror has become such a part of the mainstream artistic discourse, but we talk about underwear?\u201d<\/p>\n
Mrs. Plum drew her knitted sweater closer about her, as if in defense. \u201cThe basics never change, Ms. Campbell. A good screamer always has work, no matter what the setting.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd how are we to affect a change in the zeitgeist if we continue only to honor its outmoded traditions?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
Another student said, \u201cThat sounds like Professor Chambers \u2014\u201d until Esther waved her off.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey didn\u2019t ask me about screaming when I was doing my internship \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
Another girl sniggered. \u201cNo, they asked if you would do nude scenes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid that even make it to DVD?\u201d someone asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s still more work than any of you have ever done. Even her \u2014\u201d Esther pointed to Mrs. Plum.<\/p>\n
Mrs. Plum broke in, \u201cWithout a proper theoretical grounding \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTheory,\u201d Esther said in a singsong rhyme. \u201cTheory doesn\u2019t work in the real world. I should know!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExperience without the education to ground it is nothing more than a mechanical exercise,\u201d Mrs. Plum said.<\/p>\n
Jane giggled. \u201cShe got plenty of that on the casting \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
But Esther wasn\u2019t listening. \u201cMy cousin was saying the other day \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMs. Campbell!\u201d Mrs. Plum said. \u201cWe are all very aware by now of your family connections. And how do you think your cousin achieved his success? By applying himself to the lessons you are learning here! Greatness does not grow in a vacuum.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esther rose. \u201cWhat would you know? You\u2019re old, like everything else here! Sitting there and trying to teach us this worthless \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
With a slap of her hand upon the desk, Mrs. Plum silenced Esther. She rose then, and a ferocity came upon her which made her seem much younger than her 60-odd years.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat would I know? What would I<\/i> know, you silly girl? In my day, Ms. Campbell, I worked with the greatest monsters ever known in the field. I have been chased by the Wolfman, by Frankenstein, by Dracula himself! And we didn\u2019t fritter our time away with computers or androids, either; no, it was girl versus monster, as it should be. Why, Lon Chaney himself refused to work with any other victim …\u201d<\/p>\n
The bell rang then, breaking the spell. Mrs. Plum shrunk back into herself, becoming nothing more a tired teacher.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyway,\u201d she murmured, \u201cthat was all a long time ago. I\u2019ll see you on Wednesday.\u201d<\/p>\n
Esther left the classroom with two of her comrades, chattering as they strolled down the hallway.<\/p>\n
\u201cDracula?\u201d she sneered to them. \u201cThat\u2019s so<\/i> 1950s. I\u2019m a modern girl! I don\u2019t want to get stuck in some hokey old horror novel about werewolves!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTell us again about the zit-geist?\u201d her friend asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust two more years,\u201d Esther said, \u201cand I\u2019ll be out of this dump and doing some real work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf Mrs. Plum doesn\u2019t flunk you first.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to be the greatest ever. She wouldn\u2019t dare. Only the great have the ability to rise against the pleban hors d\u2019oeuvres …\u201d That didn\u2019t sound right. She tried to remember what her acting coach had told her, in those brief moments before he\u2019d turned down the lights. Thebian? Something like that. She opened her mouth again, but her friend cut her off.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh well, we can\u2019t do anything about it. We gotta do what they say if we wanna graduate. Hey, you guys wanna go get something to eat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou two go ahead,\u201d said Esther. \u201cI\u2019ve got Theory of Mummies lab next.\u201d Waving them off, she went into a bathroom to primp.<\/p>\n
Visions of fame danced through her head as she touched up her makeup, at least until she noticed her face dissolving. Her hands flew to her cheeks, but found them still soft and firm with youthful vigor. She whirled around and saw that the walls of the room had become shrouded in blackness. She tried to run, but she was rooted to the spot.<\/p>\n
She turned back to the mirror. Her reflection had warped and twisted until it became the face of Mrs. Plum, but unlike Esther had ever seen her. Leering and maniacal, her eyes were full of an evil that chilled the soul.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello again, Ms. Campbell,\u201d spoke the mirror.<\/p>\n
\u201cMrs. Plum, How did you …\u201d<\/p>\n
She cackled. \u201cOne can\u2019t remain a victim forever, you know. Once the looks go, you\u2019ve had it in our business. So I took a few courses in Black Magic, and, shall we say … diversified my career portfolio?\u201d<\/p>\n
The reflection moved back until Esther could see all of Mrs. Plum standing in the mirror. She was holding a large and wicked looking knife.<\/p>\n
Esther shrieked. \u201cWhat?! How?!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause in the end, Ms. Campbell, the monster is often the thing we least expect. And because I am very upset with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
And then Esther\u2019s face was back in the mirror, and she could see Mrs. Plum standing behind her. The old woman took a small step forward, and Esther felt the professor\u2019s cool, dry hand grasp her chin, heard Mrs. Plum whisper, \u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re going to make it to Advanced Screaming,\u201d and then the knife touched her throat and there was red everywhere for a while, and then only black.<\/p>\n
Afterwards, Mrs. Plum smoothed her sweater and walked on to her office. The janitors would clean the mess; they were paid highly to deal with the occasional university accident.<\/p>\n
She walked past the Intermediate Stalking seminar, a much smaller room than her own. The few chairs were occupied by a nightmare bestiary of furred, fanged, and clawed monstrosities, as well as ichor-dripping undead and what appeared to be one very crazed young man holding a gleaming axe. Formless shadows pooled and blinked in the corners, suggesting menaces more horrific than the eye could comprehend. In the first row, a scaly demonic creature loomed over the professor, who adjusted his bifocals and calmly continued his lecture.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course,\u201d Prof. Larry Talbot said, \u201cit is very different if your victim is clad only in underwear …\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cOf course, it\u2019s different for underwear,\u201d the professor said as she hobbled around the desk. \u201cIf you happen to be confronted by your assailant while you are dressed only in your nightclothes \u2014 which happens more often than you would think …\u201d and she paused a moment there, a wistful gleam in her eye. \u201cAnyway,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-984","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/984","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=984"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/984\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=984"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=984"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=984"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}