Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another…hmm, that’s not quite right, now is it? See, this is an installment of Cewsh Reviews, but this is hardly your normal rodeo, even though we do indeed, as always, have a special treat for you tonight. See, Mrs. Cewsh, Vice and I have been seeking out someone to launch a new project for our blog for some time. We sought far and wide for the perfect choice to launch the first ever Monday Night Raw review in Cewsh Reviews history (more or less). But with so many of these crowding up every last inch of blog and Youtube space this great internet has to offer, we had to be careful, lest we choose someone who would foist yet another dull, repetitive Raw review on the world. We needed a hero. Hmm, but where to find one…<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: We\u2019re here. Pilot, land the chopper in that odd clearing that happens to be in the middle of this dense forest. <\/p>\n
Pilot:Why did you say “pilot”? I’m the only one here.<\/i><\/p>\n
The chopper lands softly in the clearing. Only wilderness surrounds the men now. Ferocious grizzly bears, wild coyotes, harmless snakes, um…adorable rabbits, moronic deer, um, furry beavers, um, squirrels, and similar animals with appropriate adjectives.<\/i><\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: This is the place.<\/p>\n
Stepping outside the chopper, Cewsh hears wood being chopped in the distance. He approaches the source of noise cautiously…knowing that startling the beast may have disastrous consequences.<\/i><\/p>\n
Kyle: Oh hey Cewsh, just choppin\u2019 wood. Like a boss, I might add. What\u2019s up?<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: Listen Kyle…I\u2019ll be blunt. Your country needs you. We need a weekly review of Raw. You\u2019re the only one I can trust.<\/p>\n
Kyle: What\u2019s that list with all the names crossed off in your hand?<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: You\u2019re the only one I can trust other than all these other guys who I can trust. But after all of them…you\u2019re the only one.<\/p>\n
Kyle looks down, with visible pain across his face. He remembers his days as a young reviewer…dark times indeed. He remembers PPV\u2019s such as Bragging Rights 2010, and the now-almost-mythically terrible Great American Bash 2004. He stares back at Cewsh with cold, visibly disturbed eyes.<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: The only one.<\/p>\n
Kyle: I told you, Colonel, I\u2019m retired.<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: I thought you might say that. I thought you should know…they got Mendoza. He was part of your unit, wasn\u2019t he?<\/p>\n
Kyle stops for a moment, visibly stunned by the news. After taking a moment to regain his composure, he responds.<\/p>\n
Kyle: What? I\u2019m not John Matrix. Do you see a 10-year-old Alyssa Milano running around here?<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: I thought maybe they kidnapped her already. I don\u2019t know, I usually just fast-forward to the part with the mansion.<\/p>\n
Kyle: You\u2019re just being silly now.<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: Ok, are you gonna do this or what?<\/p>\n
Kyle: What does it pay?<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: Respect of your peers.<\/p>\n
Kyle: I already have that.<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh (nodding slowly, looking off to the side): Yyyyeaaah….<\/p>\n
Kyle: Ok, well, whatever. I\u2019m chopping all this wood because my therapist said I should do physical activities to channel my psychological insecurities. But writing a weekly opinionated wrestling column with just enough half-witted insight to pass for a \u201creview\u201d will probably do the trick as well. And this way, I can share my insecurities with the world. So really, everyone wins. Except…you know…the people reading.<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: So are you in? I stopped paying attention to you halfway through that soliloquy.<\/p>\n
Kyle: Understandable. I\u2019m in. I just need a catchy internet nickname.<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: Alright. Here\u2019s the internet nickname machine…but first you have to take a number and wait in line. Then you\u2019ll get your witty nickname.<\/p>\n
Kyle 242: Awesome.<\/p>\n
Col. Cewsh: No that\u2019s not how it wor…<\/p>\n
And with that…the ridiculous origin story of the 242 Raw Review (RAWR!) ends, and the real adventure begins…<\/p>\n
Kyle 242: I like that wildcat noise. RAWR!!!<\/p>\n
Cewsh: So there you have it. Cross your fingers and say your prayers kids. Because…<\/p>\n
Well, the new music was no shocker this time…the crowd knew exactly who they expected to see, and responded with enthusiastic approval. Punk, sitting cross-legged in the ring, uses his golden tongue to explain to the audience why he came back, and how he wants to facilitate change in the WWE. <\/p>\n
Of note from this promo (aside from Punk\u2019s absolute brilliant delivery, which is something that we\u2019ve come to assume but not state), is Punk\u2019s change-of-heart toward the fans. Once referring to them as \u201cpart of the problem\u201d, Punk now views himself as their \u201cvoice\u201d and \u201csaviour\u201d. And honestly, this plays much better into the direction they\u2019re taking with him…he\u2019s addressing complaints that wrestling fans have had with the WWE for years, so of course we\u2019re going to throw support behind him. Old fans, spurned by the childish actions of Cena and longing for the good ol\u2019 Attitude days are tuning in again. Even the smarkiest of smarks are starting to become optimistic about this \u201cnew WWE\u201d. And Punk, who has always been a cult hero regardless, is the face of it all…it really couldn\u2019t be happening to a better guy as far as we\u2019re concerned.<\/p>\n
And to add to the effect…it seems like the WWE itself has no idea how to handle this (kayfabe-wise…in reality, they\u2019re doing all the right things). This is sold by the announce team incredibly well. Is he a heel? Is he a face? Punk isn\u2019t only blurring this line…he\u2019s taking it, divvying it up and made a fully-functional game of Pong with it. They have no idea how to react…and yet, that\u2019s exactly what works about it. Everyone is joyfully confused.<\/p>\n
So Punk goes on to explain why he\u2019s the true champ. Until…<\/p>\n
…some familiar music of a polarizing figure hits. Leading to one of the best back-and-forth interactions I\u2019ve seen in modern-day wrestling.<\/p>\n
Triple H, who recently \u201cfired\u201d Vince after being appointed the new WWE COO, explains that signing Punk was a business decision. Turns out that Trips has his own personal feelings on Punk, none of which are positive, leading to a verbal retaliation (including a brief but amazingly dead-on impersonation) by the Second City Saint, culminating in some almost legitimately-feeling tension in the ring. And honestly…that\u2019s how it should feel. Almost legitimate. This entire angle is meant to mess with peoples\u2019 minds, and the perception of \u201cwhat\u2019s real\u201d in the WWE. Essentially, we\u2019re all part of one big Cronenberg movie. With more sweat and muscles and stuff.<\/p>\n
One thing needs to be explained to me however…why does Triple H think he re-signed John Morrison? Wasn\u2019t he injured? Is this some kind of inside joke that everyone is playing on Triple H? Y\u2019know, sort of like how Melina and Batista used to chuckle to themselves every time they sent JoMo out for a pack of smokes?<\/p>\n
Anyway, following this epic confrontation, we have our first actual match of the night (yes, they still have those)…<\/p>\n
In typical formulaic Diva fashion, Kelly Kelly decides to join us on commentary, as if to flat-out say \u201cthey have no time for me to do cut promos, so let\u2019s kill two birds with one stone by having me talk over top of a Divas match, even though I\u2019m going to be interacting with Cole\u2019s cartoonish villainy and Lawler\u2019s even-more-cartoonish ogling the entire time, but that won\u2019t detract from the match that exactly seven people are interested, because the Divas division is the WNBA of the WWE right now\u201d. And you would be correct, Kelly squared.<\/p>\n
Following a brief segment of furious flailing female limbs (which is par for the course for these over-the-top-err-I-mean-any-rope battle royals), including a humorous ejection of Eve by some painful-looking vaginal punching, Beth Phoenix showcases her strength by eliminating both Bellas and emerges victorious. <\/p>\n
If you\u2019re going to ride Punk while he\u2019s hot, you might as well ride everything associated with Punk as well. And for maybe the first time in WWE history…the biggest and strongest person in the ring actually won a battle royal, instead of being played up as the clear favourite and then being eliminated by Maven or some shit.<\/p>\n
Following that, Kelly goes to congratulate her suddenly bff Beth, which is fine and good until Beth realizes they are both faces and promptly turns heel to beat the shit out of her. She then goes on to audibly call out Kelly as a blonde Barbie doll, while simultaneously wearing a tiara and a shiny outfit that shows off her plastic boobs. The ironing is mildly delicious.<\/p>\n
That aside…I\u2019ve been wondering lately how the WWE would look if they just take a more hands-off approach with creative and let people play to their strengths and do what they do best. Take R-Truth for instance…once considered a stale character with a kinda fun entrance, he\u2019s now absolutely nailing his character and is the highlight of the show for some people. It makes me wonder who else is being \u201cheld down\u201d like that. Could you see Kelly turning heel and cutting LayCool-esque promos? Who knows, right? I don\u2019t know why, but I have a feeling Eve is going to show us some of that one day, and we\u2019ll all wonder why we ever thought she was bland.<\/p>\n
This match opens with an…interesting confrontation between R-Truth & Miz. These two characters clash just enough to work…I love Truth\u2019s batshit craziness next to Miz\u2019s scripted-yet-comfortable collective character. Although I am a little tired of Truth dropping the \u201cC-O-N-….SPIRACY\u201d line…which is totally stolen from an In Living Color sketch. And yes, I don\u2019t actually care about that, I just wanted to acknowledge that I knew a factoid of information that you may not have. Just trying to blend in with the rest of the internet here, people.<\/p>\n
On to the match itself. Morrison, fresh from recovery, immediately goes on the offense and shows that he can still flippy-flip into his opponents and call it wrestling (which, to be fair, is an important skill if you have the charisma of a potato). He tags in Rey to keep the offense going straight into the commercial break…where the dreaded \u201ccommercial break counter wtf happened\u201d offense is employed by Miz & co..<\/p>\n
Side note…don\u2019t you think smaller-to-average sized wrestlers have a fucking blast when wrestling Rey? He\u2019s so tiny! It\u2019s like being a kid and playfighting with your little brother, except with more masks and tattoos and moves-that-look-like-they-should-hurt-the-other-guy-but-apparently-hurt-you-because-you\u2019re-the-guy-that-fell-down-after.<\/p>\n
Anyway…Team Heel keeps the pressure on, until an inexplicable high-risk maneuver is attempted, resulting in the dreaded face team counter. JoMo gets the hot tag, and cleans house, setting Truth up for the Starship Pain (assuming he lands it…questionable assumption there) until Miz makes the save by pulling Truth\u2019s carcass clear out of the ring. Rey gets involved with Miz, while Morrison ensures that Truth gets set up for the 619, but Miz makes the save again by dragging Mysterio out of the ring. Miz continues to distract Morrison (getting served in the process), until Truth comes in for the kill.<\/p>\n
Very fun match here…and I actually think both patchwork excuses for tag teams work pretty well as…well, teams. Truth planting \u201cconspiracy\u201d thoughts in Miz\u2019s head is a brilliant way to go, and considering that both men have a pretty successful tag-team history, I\u2019m curious to see if they keep going in this direction. It would seem that Morrison has some business to take care of with Truth, but at the same time, it\u2019s not like Miz and Morrison are strangers to each other.<\/p>\n
Triple H ominously warns Cena to keep it \u201cstrictly business\u201d. Although this feels like foreshadowing of some sort…even in hindsight I\u2019m not sure what it means. I decided that he\u2019s referring to Cena\u2019s Twitter account. Which is on the verge of resembling Greg Oden\u2019s cellphone outbox.<\/p>\n
…yeah, I should\u2019ve probably gone Favre there, but I find that mental image even more nauseating. But then again, he\u2019s a more well-known guy, and for some reason it\u2019s just funnier. I mean, at least Oden was huge…deep down, you still have to have some kinda respect for his lack of shyness with the subject matter.<\/p>\n
Wait, why am I debating this?<\/p>\n
Also, why do famous people still have cellphone cameras, when publicists exist?<\/p>\n
Vickie comes out looking yet another 10 lbs. lighter than I remember (which is awesome for her, but begs the question, exactly how thin do you have to be before Lawler stops making fat jokes?), with Dolph by her side looking more like \u201cclassic\u201d Dolph every week. Ziggler proceeds to make a disappointingly generic heel promo (littered with Vickie\u2019s \u201cEXCUSE ME!\u201d catchphrase, that\u2019s just now starting to lose a little heat), until some silly music hits and A-Ry (can we still call him that? Is it actually A-Ri? I don\u2019t know, let\u2019s be safe here) Alex Riley emerges to a chorus of happy fans. Riley, now confronting the power couple, encourages Dolph to drop his heat machine partner (can\u2019t say I disagree…it was a great pairing but this promo proved that it\u2019s run its course). <\/p>\n
Dolph responds by muttering something about not knowing who A-Ry is (oddly enough, Dolph seems to be funnier when his lines are picked up by the camera instead of holding a microphone) and backing down.<\/p>\n
All in all, given the quality of stuff we\u2019ve seen from Punk\/Cena\/Trips and even Miz\/Truth, I\u2019m not sure this sort of color-by-number promo can fly any more. I\u2019m also not sure Riley\u2019s a great opponent for Ziggler…despite his solid mic skills, I still just don\u2019t see \u201cit\u201d in Alex Riley…not as a face anyway. But hey, it\u2019s fresh, we\u2019ll probably get a good PPV match out of it, and most likely a Riley US Title reign down the line (which would probably be a good move, given his inexplicable momentum). But promo-wise, I expect them to step up their game. Luckily, both men are more than capable of doing so.<\/p>\n
<\/center><\/p>\n
Ladies and gentlemen…Nexus is officially dead. I type that in jest, but when you think about what the angle went through and how hot it was a year ago (and how it made Barrett a main eventer in a few months\u2019 time, an act they foolishly squandered shortly after)…it\u2019s actually sort of a significant statement. Shame they ran it into the ground.<\/p>\n
I won\u2019t go into detail about this match, as it was pretty standard fare. What wasn\u2019t standard fare, however, was the HUGE reaction that Ryder got. And this proves how the internet has really changed things…first we have \u201cDaniel Bryan\u201d chants causing a guy to not only be re-signed to the company, but win Money in the Bank a year later. And now we have a guy to get over on pretty much nothing but the internet. But putting him with Santino was a strange move. Santino was once getting those reactions, as an entertaining face comedy character. Then everyone kinda got bored of him. It\u2019s almost holding up a reflection of what Zack Ryder might turn into one day, as fans become fickle and move on to the next new \u201cno one knows who he is but I love him\u201d guy when he starts doing some entertaining stuff on the side.<\/p>\n
Waitwaitwaitwait…that\u2019s far too cynical a view. I\u2019m starting to sound like a wrestling blogger.<\/p>\n
Zack Ryder fucking rules.<\/p>\n
Also, Santino\u2019s actual cobra sock puppet caused me to laugh, rewind, laugh twice.<\/p>\n
McGillicutty & Otunga won. But really, the whole match wins based on those two things.<\/p>\n
Hmm. I know my history. This doesn\u2019t look good for Bourne.<\/p>\n
The match starts off going back-and-forth, with Del Rio eventually taking control. Bourne breaks his hold, unleashing his lightning kicks of fury (that every indy wrestler seems to have in their arsenal). Bourne remains on offense, until he goes for a high-risk maneuver, which is countered by a beautiful enzuigiri (thank you JR!) by Del Rio…who promptly finishes him off with the armbar.<\/p>\n
ADR then goes for a second armbar on Bourne, clearly expressing frustration that the briefcase isn\u2019t really doing anything for him and he doesn\u2019t fit into the Raw title scene at all right now. Kofi Kingston, a man who\u2019s been able to relate to that latter problem for his whole career, comes in to make the save, setting up an inevitable feud and SummerSlam match.<\/p>\n
What Kofi needs right now (and maybe even ADR, but less so) is a \u201cwake the fuck up\u201d match. By that I mean a mid-card match where you start with low expectations, only it turns out to be great, and wrapped up in the allotted 10 minutes no less. I need something to make me re-consider why I should care about this guy, because jumping around awkwardly and executing sloppy offense, as awesome as that sounds, just isn\u2019t cutting it. As for Del Rio…I\u2019m concerned that his character is going to become a relic of the \u201cold\u201d WWE if this new \u201creality\u201d era catches on. MVP had a similar problem (stuck with a goofy-yet-kinda-believe gimmick in the goofy-yet-kinda-believe gimmick era), and we\u2019re still having to deal with the storyboard mindfuck machine that is Kane to this day.<\/p>\n
<\/center><\/p>\n
AND HERE IT IS PEOPLE!! THIS IS WHAT YOU\u2019VE WANTED TO SEE!!! Or…is it?<\/p>\n
Triple H comes out, obviously, as he\u2019s been making announcements of an announcement since Smackdown (good thing too, if he kept announcing announcements for three more months he would\u2019ve become a video game marketer). But shortly into his speech he\u2019s joined by none other than Johnny Ace (who I understand is Cewsh\u2019s estranged father). Ace, playing the corporate slimeball that he perhaps really is, suggests stripping John Cena of the title. Followed by a chorus of boos. Wait, what? Isn\u2019t that what people want? This starts the beginning of a chain reaction of interesting fan responses…<\/p>\n
This causes Cena (who\u2019s been secretly playing his role perfectly, for which he gets zero credit in true internet fashion) to start his music and come on down…to a HUGE ovation. As you can understand, he has a problem with Ace\u2019s suggestion. But then he goes on to say that Ace is making that decision due to bias, and not because it\u2019s the decent thing to do (which Ace normally does right?). He identifies his title situation pretty clearly, and makes it clear that he\u2019ll forfeit the title if Trips determines that it\u2019s not legitimate, but for the right reasons. Interesting (and reasonable!). But Triple H assures Cena that his title is safe, as Punk didn\u2019t sign his contract until the very last minute (which is also interesting, considering he had music and a video package ready to go…WAIT NO GET OUT OF HERE BRAIN TURN OFF RRRRRR!!!)<\/p>\n
…which causes Cult of Personality to play…leading to a weird mixed reaction from the crowd. Punk goes on to accuse HHH of maintaining the status quo now that he\u2019s inked to a contract, assuming that he\u2019s going to strip his rightful title away from him (which, by now, is the assumption that none of us have come to). Hunter (who apparently doesn\u2019t want to be called Hunter…so…uh…Mr. H?) instead says they\u2019ll do things HIS WAY. Since he was a WRESTLER, they\u2019ll have a WRESTLING MATCH. Which….is pretty much what everyone\u2019s been predicting since last week. Sigh.<\/p>\n
But honestly, it needed to happen, and who isn\u2019t pumped for Punk vs Cena 2? With all the zaniness going on lately, it can\u2019t be as easy as one of them winning straight out, can it? I have some thoughts on this, but given that they\u2019ll change 57 times between now and the pay-per-view (give or take 100), I will keep them for a separate piece.<\/p>\n
Back to the show. After this announcement, Cena and Punk take turns raising their belt and having their music played…to some odd crowd reactions.<\/p>\n
We all expect Punk to be HUGELY over, and make no doubt of it, he is, but it didn\u2019t come across that way on television. I\u2019m chalking this up to a very pro-Cena crowd, but I will admit…for the first time in this angle, I have a shred of doubt in the back of my mind that this may not be executed as awesomely as I\u2019d hoped, not because of the WWE, but because the fans kinda sorta suck.<\/p>\n
Internet cyncism: Ha ha! I got you sucka!!<\/p>\n
NO GOD DAMN IT. I WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE END.<\/p>\n
Punk is going to become a fucking god. No other conclusion is acceptable.<\/p>\n
All in all, a good RAW, but not a great one…not compared to what we\u2019ve been getting lately. The amazing storyline revolving around the title (and, holy fuck, the title is relevant again) really did carry this show, combined with an epic HHH\/Punk showdown that you know is going to boil into a full-on match some day.<\/p>\n
Ironically, it\u2019s so good to have JR back, but at the same time it\u2019s like he never left. He\u2019s a great announcer because you don\u2019t notice him most of the time…he just blends in with the flow. Unfortunately, why they don\u2019t go to the 2-man booth we know works (JR\/King) and insist on going with the 3-man booth is beyond me. Thankfully, Cole wasn\u2019t as overpowering as I thought he would be, but I still would like to have JR and King doing what they do best, sans Cole.<\/p>\n
Cewsh: Did you like the surprise ending? Good luck sleeping!<\/p>\n
Hey, dear reader, did you enjoy this review? Did you want to leave hateful messages to the authors that will leave searing trails across their souls? Would you just like to see the other various reviews we’ve done? Then head right on over to our blog at Cewsh Reviews: The Blog Also check us out on the Rajah forums in our very own thread, Cewshketeers! Should you wish to reach us more quicklier, drop a line to cewshreviews@gmail.com. All feedback will be responded to, all edible gifts will be consumed, and all criticisms will be welcomed. Relationship and carpentry advice is also available.<\/p>\n
Other places you can catch the fever:<\/p>\n
Cewsh Reviews: The Twitter
\nCewsh Reviews: The Facebook Page
\nCewsh Reviews: The YouTube Page<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another…hmm, that’s not quite right, now is it? See, this is an installment of Cewsh Reviews, but this is hardly your normal rodeo, even though we do indeed, as always, have a special treat for you tonight. See, Mrs. Cewsh, Vice and I have been seeking out someone to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7292","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7292","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7292"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7292\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7292"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7292"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/googmn.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7292"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}